Let's Talk About Fred, baby!

In light of all of this Fred Dalton Thompson fun that has been filling the heads of Rick Santorums everywhere, I feel now would be an appropriate time to talk about Fred. But, just not that Fred. Instead, let's talk about this monster pig, which also happens to be named Fred, which this 11-year-old kid shot in Alabama.

Now, wait wait, I know what you all are thinking. This cunt is just trying to drag Fred Dalton Thompson through the mud (hahaha, PIGS and MUD, get it?) by comparing him to a pig! Fred Dalton Thompson is nothing like a pig! In fact, I don't Republican and pig have ever been used in the same sentence... well, wait... now they have.

Well, now that you brought it up, I have to do make these comparisons. Soon you'll see what makes Fred the man completely un-pig like. ARE YA READY? HERE WE GO!

Fred the monster pig vs. Fred Dalton Thompson

1. Personal life: Well; now this is an easy one. Fred the pig was raised on a farm in Alabama. Fred the man was raised on a farm (well maybe not, but I am gonna consider every part of Tennessee that is not Memphis or Nashville farmland, so hate away Tennessee). Fred the pig had many girlfriends (none of which he married, shame shame) that he may or may not have impregnated (when Maury starts pig paternity tests, we'll get back to this one). Fred the man had a girlfriend which he impregnated (maybe, kinda, sorta before marriage) and married (+1 for him), but then later left for a much younger pig urrrr woman, I mean woman (-1 for him).

Moving the story on, unfortunately for Fred the pig, he was drafted into this thing called a hunting reserve, evidently because he had become a nuisance. How interesting, that makes me wanna play a game. Hmmm... let's play word association...

Me: "Hunting reserve."
Jose: "Vietnam!"
Me: "John Kerry must have filled your head with lies."
Me: "Draft"
Jose: "Draft!"
Me: "That's not how you fucking play the game... say a different goddamn word."
Me: "Nuisance."
Jose: "Young men (draftees) of the 1960's and 70's."
Me: "Uhh okay, I don't follow."
Me: "Fred Dalton Thompson"
Jose: "Draft dodger."
Me: "No no, that was Clinton... Repubs love fighting, silly goose."

Now, this is where the two Freds happen to differ… good sign for Fred the man. Fred the pig got drafted into this hunting preserve, did his duty, got killed, got famous. What a fucking life! Fred the man got drafted, and then didn’t really feel like going to the hunting preserve, forwent his duty, stayed alive, got famous. Who is Fred the man here, again? Now, now, maybe Fred the man just doesn’t like guns or wars, or the military… oh wait, what’s that Jose? He does. Oh. Well, uh, let’s move on.

2. Legislative careers: Okay, before you slam me with “OMGZ you are say a pig has a legislative career!” I am gonna make one point and one point only. Fred the Senator (as we’ll call him in this case) has as many pieces of meaningful legislation (I am using meaningful deliberately here, because I mean what the fuck does a bill about outlawing Zebra Sombrero Day at gov’t buildings have any thing to do with any thing? Sorry, zebra sombrero wearers.) as the Fred the pig. Does that make Fred the Senator a good pig, or Fred the pig a good legislator? Wait wait, don’t answer that one, I hear it’s gonna be on Jeopardy! tomorrow.

3. Health and longevity: Well Fred the pig is dead. I think Fred the man wins this one. Wait… what, Juan? Oh fuck, he has incurable cancer. Well, goddammit, the minute you think you’ve got ‘em…

4. Conservatism: Well, it’s hard to pin down Fred the pig on this one. I doubt there are red or blue pigs. But Fred was from a farm in Alabama, and he wasn’t a dark colored pig, so I’m gonna go out on a limb here. I bet he was conservative. Well, hmmm, Fred the man is from a farm called Tennessee, he is not a dark colored man, and he is not named Al Gore, so I’m gonna go with instinct here. Let’s say they are both conservatives. Well, Fred the pig was a big pig. He would prolly feel that the biggest, strongest pig has earned the most slop and no one should regulate it or take it away. I am gonna doubt that he wanted evil Mexican pigs to come to his farm freely and eat his slop and roll in his mud, no matter what the contributed to his quality of slop. But, I wouldn’t wanna speak for him. Now, as for the Fred the man, he is a true conservative. He doesn’t want anyone trying to tell him what to do with his slop… money, I mean. If your quality of slop, I mean, life sucks, then tough shit. Get bigger and stronger and you can have a better slop, GODDAMMIT, I mean life. And shit, those Mexican pigs, fuck, people, don’t contribute to society. Fred the man wants to make sure that all of those lazy, unmotivated Mexicans stay away from his slop. Wouldn’t want them to get a taste of the good shit. Well, shit… they sound the same again. I swear, this is coincidence… I mean Fred Dalton Thompson a pig? Never.

5. Terrorism: Fred the pig obviously hates terrorism. Terrorism is shitty, even a fucking pig knows that. However, Fred the pig has no idea on how to deal with foreign policy or terrorism. Not surprising, really… he is a pig, and a dead on at that. So, Fred the man, prove yourself here. How do you deal with foreign policy and terrorism? Hmmm… stay the course in Iraq you say… in other words “do nothing”. I like it! It’s so easy a pig could have thought it up… oh wait. Fuck!

So, I guess Juan, here, and I have done a pretty shitty job proving Fred the pig and Fred the man are different things. Well, Fred is not being hunted down by an 11-year-old boy. In fact, no one will hunt Fred at all. If in fact he is hunted, it will not be by an ambitious 11-year-old with a gun. It will be by an overcautious, unarmed group of Democratic hacks. Fred the pig is the Democrats worst nightmare… because, uhhh let’s see, unlike Cap’n Mormon, John “George W.” McCain, or Rudy “I <3 gays” Guiliani, HE CAN WIN (southerners tend to be kinda fucking good at that whole presidential election thing, I mean shit, AL GORE won!). So, word to the wise, Democrats. Use your 11-year-old instincts. Kill this huge pig NOW, and let him play dead and get famous on Law and Order reruns, instead of letting him get famous alive and wallow in the mud on the White House lawn, with you wondering how you compassion wasn’t able to butcher the hog.